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- what did i tell you? that's a large flush already! you don't have a chance in here, user! your pathetic little-- - yahtzee. - what? - yahtzee. sixes. - no! it can't be! - yahtzee! - no! aah! - oh...[panting] - oh, thank god. - hey, stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore? - my facebook profile went rogue, dad. had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. i sent all my friends somewhere else. - oh, okay. so we're--we're not friends then? - [bleep] off, dad. [beep]
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- ahhhh. ahhahahahahahaha! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. i'm very excited to be back on the air. all right. you may have noticed our show, we were on a little bit of a hiatus in the past two weeks because we possess the same work ethic as children in the private school. i don't know what to tell you
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because while we were gone in just three weeks everything happened ever. tragedies, incompetency. i don't know even know where to [bleep] start tonight. gun debate? hillary clinton's fake fake brain blood clot? barack obama is filling up his cabinet with old white guys and republicans like chuck hagel? meanwhile some republicans are up with the hagel pick because of his possible antigay views. the democrats are filling in with the old white guys and the republicans are helping the the gays. i can't wait to see what the daily show is going to do with that story. there's no time. there's too much. dam damn you mayans. why couldn't the world have ended when you said it was going to end because that's what i was planning on. now i've got three trillion cans of creamed corn in my basement. waaa! we're going to get to all that
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in the next week or two because after that we have a two-month midwinter hiatus. but we have to start somewhere. here we go. our top story tonight, world renown thes pee and gerard depardieu has decided to depart france. (mumbling) we begin where we left off: dangling tenuously on the precipice of the fiscal cliff. could president barack obama pull america back from the chasm? would house speaker boehner's doomsday machine be stopped in time? who really fathered nancy pelosi's love child? i'm going with eccentric billionaire lucius trent. you know he's also batman. all these questions will be answered but first let's get caught up on what this fiscal cliff is again. i know you've all been holed up on vacation the last three weeks with your wife, two children and life counseling. the fiscal cliff is the economic
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catastrophe that would occur with the simultaneous expiring of the bush tax cuts and deep across-the-board spending cuts that congress scheduled to kick in january 1 so congress couldn't negotiate a fiscal solution by january 1. confused? let me put it in terms of a 21st century analogy that can crystallize the point of it. pretend america is a successful railroad company. that has fallen on some hard fiscal times. there's an argument within the company about whether to make some changes to the dining car offering, maybe cut fares for less wealthy riders or on the other side of the argument where trains themselves are steel beasts that stalin invented to kill freedom and martha washington. this is clearly a large gap to bridge in negotiations they added what we call in the movie business the ticking clock in the form of a dam sell tied to the track. the damsell in this case
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representing our entire economy. yes, we tied a woman to the track. to force us to deal with the train. so the stage was set for serious people to arrive at a serious solution. seriously. >> a lot of partisan rhetoric on both sides, talks on the fiscal cliff are now at a standstill. (train whistle) >> jon: train the president's proposal would raise tacks on families earning $4,000 a year and higher. that's up from $250,000 he initially proposed while cutting $930 billion in spending >> jon: an opening bid and only 13 days until the train run over that woman >> boehner argues taxes and cuts need to be equal. he is moving ahead with a tomorrow on what he calls plan-b.
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>> jon: plan-b? the morning after bill? ( cheers and applause ) plan-b is the bill you introduce to mitigate your previous session's irresponsible behavior. let's hear it >> republican bill that would prevent income taxes from going up on january 1 for anyone making less than $1 million a year. >> jon: you mean everybody? all right. it's a starting point. as we discussed earlier someone has to save penelope. i guess we'll settle between $400,000 and a million >> a shocker on capitol hill last night as house speaker john boehner's plan-b backfired >> boehner pulled republicans into a meeting, tried to get the votes he needed but failed. >> jon: we just lost our brakes.
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all right. i forgot about the republicans. they hate trains and think trains have no business being involved in transportation. we're going over the cliff. unless... >> mcconnell called for help phoning vice president biden who came to the white house today and is now part of the talks. >> jon: oh, great. somebody called dr. feel-good to the house. that will work. hey, joey crest-strip get in here. he'll come in, flash the pearly whites, goose a couple of interns. good plan [bleep]. >> breaking news on the fiscal cliff. the senate approved a last-minute deal overnight >> jon: oh, my... i don't know why we're doing that. think we were doing a train analogy, were we not?
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first day back, people. not everything is going to match up. but we did it. we made a deal. i can't wait to hear about this amazing deal >> new higher rates would hit those earning above $400,000 a year. $450,000 for couples. >> jon: wow. republicans' crafty negotiating got obama to move from his $400,000 a year offer to the exact same thing. the important thing is we have a deal. taxes raised a bit but no sequester. we saved the lady. but we ourselves had tied to the track. >> the plan would also delay across-the-board spending cuts for defense and most federal agencies. but only for two months. kicking the can on tough decisions to reduce government spending >> jon: did i say save? i meant moved her a half mile further down the track. so these massive spending cuts will coincide with another debt ceiling battle. is there anything in this
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debacle that we can all agree on? >> house speaker john boehner had kind of a rough week here. the at a party folks not happy with the deal that he struck >> the president was able to get the speaker to undo everything he had promised he would do >> where are you? mr. speaker, we need leadership. >> tonight i am ashamed, shame on you, mr. speaker. >> jon: republican or democrat, senator or congressman, team edward or team jacob, everyone agrees john boehner sucks. at least we can be assured that as the incoming congress votes for a new speaker of the house, it's clear what the outcome is going to be. >> john boehner won re-election as house speaker today. >> jon: oh, boy. (train whistle blowing) we'll be right
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>> jon: welcome back to the show. listen. as you may recall, a couple months ago america was hit by two major disasters. one of them natural, hurricane sandy and one of them somewhat man made the republican majority in the house of representatives. the second of those disasters has made it impossible to clean up the first one >> the $60 billion hurricane sandy aid package. the house adjourned last night without voting on it >> jon: i can understand that. it's been a long session. house republicans probably wanted to get home. you know who else wanted to get back to their homes? the people whose homes got swept
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away by hurricane sandy. yes, the house republicans... ( cheers and applause ) ... somehow neglected to vote for $60 billion in hurricane aid. a move so ridiculous, even their own members were going after them >> there's only one group to blame for the continued suffering of these innocent victims: the house majority and their speaker, john boehner >> i'm saying right now anyone from new york to new jersey who contributes one penny to congressional republicans is out of their minds because what they did was to stab in the back new yorkers and new jerseyians with absolute disgrace >> jon: wow, when peter king is calling you a disgrace. i'll say this. to kristie and king, by the end of the week... >> the house voted to approve more than $9 billion for flood insurance claims from hurricane
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sandy >> jon: see... wait a minute. you heard that right. $9 billion which is, as you may have noticed, not the $60 billion that the senate passed. the house decided to separate the $9.7 billion in flood insurance from the $61 billion which they're going to vote on next week. because what's another week? one more thing >> 67 republicans voted against $9.7 billion in aid for victims of super storm sandy >> jon: this is what i mean. this is just a simple down the middle black-and-white cut-and-dried warm cup of what would jesus or any other human being that isn't an [bleep] do? and you blew it. you blew it. ( cheers and applause ) what possible reason... what possible reason could you have for voting against aid to hurricane victims by way of a
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flood reimbursement fund? what did the eastern seaboard ever do to any of you? >> paul ryan joins 66 other republicans in voting against it. >> jon: i know what the eastern seaboard did to him. ( cheers and applause ) but what is his stated reason? >> in a statement he said quote unfortunately washington's legislative response fails on both counts. it roves to distinguish or even prioritize disaster relief over pork barrel spending. >> jon: yes, pork barrel spending. i know it seems anathema to paul ryan who favors lean protein and fish. so let's take a look at this bill and see what kind of pork congress snuck into this. let me get it for you. hold on. hold on. let me see if i can just get this giant pork... it's one [bleep] page.
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it's two paragraphs that add $9.7 billion to the national flood insurance program and nothing else. there's as much pork in here as in the mini-fridge of the break room at peta. there's no pork in this thing. whatever happened to the nice, moderate paul ryan? you know, this guy. >> the truth is there has to be a balance between the two. government must act for the common good while leaving private groups free to do the work that only they can do >> jon: private groups they kept up their half of the deal. they raised like $400 million. remember this? the who? the stones, bon jovi half the surviving view. it was so bi springsteen was the opening up. you know what they called kanye at this concert? intermission. by the way, you can't change the rules of the game in the middle of a disaster. if you're part of a country that gets shellacked by a country, we kick in a couple of she canals. the truth of the matter is, this
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whole principled ideology thing that you're putting out there is bull [bleep] anyway. exhibit-a. mississippi's honorable mr. palazzo >> he voted no to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> jon: i know what you're thinking. the inventor of palazzo pants? a.k.a. john stewart's fat day pants? but no. he is the guy who just last year was still asking for, you guessed it, funding of the national flood insurance program for a storm that took place in his area over seven years ago. >> many of my constituents in mississippi are still dealing with the effects of hurricane katrina. they depend on the national flood insurance program. >> jon: oh, the flood insurance program you vetoed spending money to reimburse. here's a thought. let's pretend instead of your constituents in mississippi, it's someone else's constituents
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in new york. instead of seven years later it's two months later. instead of being an [bleep], you. look, republicans, i guess that you're the party of limited government. we're not talking about obama care here. this was two paragraphs giving aid to people in need. you guys couldn't bring yourself to vote for it because of some stupid principle you yourselves only occasionally live by. here's the thing. if you can't vote for them, i'm not saying you're responsible for all the problems facing our country but you sure are making
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mm ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. our guest is a fine, fine actress. her new film is les miserables. ♪ i dreamed a dream in time gone by ♪ ♪ when hope was high and life was was worth living ♪ ♪ i dreamed of love that would never die ♪ ♪ i dreamed it would be forgiving ♪ >> jon: she's very talented. please welcome back to the show ann hathaway. ( cheers and applause )
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>> wow! jon: thank you so much for being here >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being back on the air. >> jon: we're delighted. i'm delighted to be back. we missed it. i just spent the whole time in my underwear yelling at the tv. >> you too? jon: it's good to put on a suit and yell at people while they're watching tv. i don't see a lot of movies because as you know i'm afraid of the dark. but i went to see this movie in particular, les miserables because like all americans i live 19th century french history. i am not a movie critic. you are redonkulous in this movie ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you very much. >> jon: normally i only cry when watching the mets.
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your performance is so special and nuanced but it looked exhausting to... when you were done with it, did they do that? was that all day when you're seeing that big number >> yeah, yeah. thank you for everything you just said >> jon: yeah, i'm nice. i'm going to start fidgeting now. yeah, that was take 4. and our director tom hooper came up to me afterwards and said we can move on if you want. for many reasons that i should really talk to a therapist abo about, i said no, no, no, we've got to keep going. i can go deeper and do better. i know it. we filmed for like another eight hours. >> jon: what? by the end of it were you just making up song parodies >> the song begins my character
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has just had her first experience as a prostitute. tom hooper just, the light hearted guy he is decided that experience should take place in a coffin. at the end of the day he's like how was the coffin? and i was like yeah. >> jon: why wouldn't i? that makes total sense. the last seven hours, no way. we didn't have to cut >> jon: you sang the whole song in a coffin >> we did one take like that. three quarters of the way even i was like this is stupid. >> jon: will that be on the dvd? oh, god, i hope not jon: normally at the end of these movies, les miserables it's a tragedy. >> are you trying to avoid something? >> jon: les mis... there's out the outtake reel where they're like [bleep], you know, where they're like. in this movie everybody dies. there's like two survivors and
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ghosts on a ram part. >> one thing that happens there weren't a lot of moments on this but at the end of the movie, at the last scene jean val jean dies, spoiler. >> jon: read the book. and hugh is doing like the best acting that i think i've seen anyone do. he's astonishing in it. i come back and i'm a ghost. i am singing to him. then he dies. i had to kind of crawl under camera in order to come up again and then take his hand and lead him off. >> jon: to heaven to heaven. another spoiler alert. >> jon: they go to heaven so i'm worried that i'm being too distracting when i go under the camera. in this moment of true genius i decide, oh, well, what if i dive under and really fast and don't
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do a lot of feather steps so i dive under the camera, my foot got caught on my dress. poor hugh is there dead. as though he was a corpse. and i tried to sing. it goes "take my hand" and i'm laughing. and the man is saying what the [bleep] is going on? then finally, thank god, hugh broke. tom, the light-hearted tom hooper, wasn't happy >> jon: after you fall, is he watching it is he like, "ann might be dead for real." does he stop? >> no, he's actually a wonderful guy. we had a great time working on this. he likes to torture actors >> jon: whatever he did to you
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guys, they should do it again because you guys did a beautiful performance through and through >> thank you jon: it's that and tangled are my two favorites. i'm telling you, man, really good. she's just ridiculous in it. if you're a fan of you know who may be visiting you and hugh jackson, you may get a visit from oscar. ( cheers and applause ) les miserables. >> thank you. ls@pzpa3bpml÷1
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